Life Story Contest Submission: Will Write SEO For A Sandwich

   

Submission by Joel Soetendorp

In freelance writing there are many goals to aim for: jobs that are fun and jobs that bring you fame. But the holy grail is repeat work. It means knowing your bills are taken care of for months and you won’t be sitting in front of the bus station with a piece of cardboard reading, “Will write SEO for a sandwich.”

Of course clients know this. So most repeat jobs are dull or poorly paid and are replete with mission creep: “Yes I know I hired you to write web copy, but walking my dog is really part of that job, even if I live on a different continent from you”

As for poorly paid, well some jobs pay so little you could starve to death whilst trying to earn the cost of a sandwich. But every now and then you hit the mother lode: the reasonably paid, reliable and of course legal repeat job.

One day I was invited by a Russian company to write wind up phone messages for an app. It was designed to wait till your mate’s mobile is turned off and then sends them a message like, “Your cars been towed” or, “You’ve won the lottery”. Hilarious stuff.

But like most apps they needed hundreds of the messages. They were only a couple of hundred words each, easy to write four an hour. I suggested my hourly rate and they agreed without haggling (this is a very good thing). Of course they wanted three things: originality, funniness and a nasty twist.
The first hundred were fine, the second hundred were a little tougher and then, well they wanted more. Were there more than two hundred wind-ups in the world? I was about to find out, as over the next months I was to write 753 of them.

It wasn’t just the money. My Russian client’s avatar had serious 1960’s KGB, Russian Bond girl looks. The thought of her elegant, black nail polished fingers typing in overly perfect English at speed…. When you find the act of typing sensuous, then you really are a writing geek.

Round about wind up 473 I developed an obsession that I had in fact been hired by the FSB to write them. At the time Russia and England were having a spat and I had visions that Vladimir Putin was sitting, shirtless in his bunker, glass of Vodka in hand phoning David Cameron. “Hello is that the imperialist weakling, David Cameron, your farts are malodorous….” An enraged Cameron reaches for the nuclear button and has to be wrestled off by George Obsbourne.

We could all be living in an apocalyptic, nuclear wilderness thanks to my windups. They got more deranged, “This is London Zoo. Your mother was assaulted by a gorilla 20 years, your father is a gorilla and he wants to see you“, “You failed your GCSEs and must now repeat the last 10 years of school even though you are 40“, “You’re so ugly if you don’t wear a bag on your head you are going to prison.”

Towards the end of my very own Heart of Darkness they rejected a few. I’d been slightly desperate and had written a dozen about dogs. The UK had just passed a law that all dogs had to have a microchip with identifying information placed under its skin, in case it got lost.

This led to, “Your dog’s chip has been found in the lions poo at London zoo”, “The chip has been found in the bins of a restaurant where there was a food poisoning outbreak”.

My client refused to believe that we English were so weak and sentimental that we chipped our dogs. Wouldn’t we just accept that the police would shoot them if they got lost? I sent articles on both dog chipping and how our police were unarmed.

The response was roughly, “Fine we will accept your jokes about your weak sentimental attachment to your hounds”, before emailing Putin ,“Mr President we have found the perfect way to smuggle our secrets out of the pitiful UK. In their chipped dogs.”

Shortly after that the job finished. They had had all they needed from me.

This was a Life Story Contest submission by Joel Soetendorp. What do you think? Is it worthy of winning the contest?  Please leave your messages of support for Joel in our comments box below!

If you’d like to apply for our Life Story Contest, please contact find more details about it here.

You can send us your submissions by emailing us at community@peopleperhour.com with ‘Life Story Contest’ as the Email Subject Line.

13 Comments

  • ravvov

    awesome story………

  • Craig Beadle

    Great stuff! Over 700 pranks is a pretty stellar task.

  • Paul Wimsett

    Can relate to a lot of this. Why wasn’t there more written entries here?

  • scratchyr

    great tale of a journey into a wind up abyss

  • Ty Atkins

    Good job, Joel!

  • Rod Press

    Really great story.

  • Sheri

    Love it!!!

  • zelda harris

    Loved it refreshing,insightful and raw.!
    Zelda Harris

  • Felicity Hird

    Unfaltering creativity, you’re life story inspires me to think outside the box, love it! Xx

  • James O'Shea

    Excellent story, I bet you were “Russian” to get them all done.

  • Brenda C. Borres

    WIittiness can pay up…very interesting piece , a wonderful way to spice up a humdrum existence. deserves a winning streak for this contest.

  • morganjoxfizz

    SEO services can contribute a lot to the growth of small businesses, and it won’t be an overstatement that the companies that are not using SEO are missing on the opportunities and are left behind in the run against their opponent which is investing in the search engine marketing.

  • Life Story Contest: Official FINALISTS Announced! - Freelancer Inn

    […] Read Joel’s full submission here. […]

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